1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:31,495
Heat. [music] >> [music]

2
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,479
>> Dear Anne, this is the last letter I'll

3
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:43,119
write to you. I've carried you through

4
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,398
oceans, through silence, through grief

5
00:00:46,399 --> 00:00:49,279
that nearly took me. I've traveled right

6
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,038
around the world to better understand

7
00:00:51,039 --> 00:00:53,919
grief. What it's done to my mind, my

8
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,558
body, and my soul.

9
00:00:56,559 --> 00:00:59,198
I've spoken to the dead,

10
00:00:59,199 --> 00:01:01,679
to the living, to the part of me that

11
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,599
broke when you left me. And here I am

12
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,478
full circle back where Sam and I let you

13
00:01:08,479 --> 00:01:11,599
go with our dear son Jonathan and your

14
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:17,199
mother. Three generations, one tied.

15
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,839
These letters are all I have of you now.

16
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:25,118
And this ocean, this wild untamed ocean

17
00:01:25,119 --> 00:02:14,680
is your messenger. [music] >> [music] >> Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh,

18
00:02:30,959 --> 00:02:34,399
the surgeon called me as I made her

19
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,079
promise she would [music] and to give me

20
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,559
the results and um she basically said

21
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,878
yes it's cancer. We [music] think it

22
00:02:40,879 --> 00:02:43,839
started in the um uterus but it's jumped

23
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:47,919
to the paritonyium which is

24
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:51,199
not good not a good diagnosis at all and

25
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,598
um I remember I remember I was in at

26
00:02:53,599 --> 00:02:56,958
home and I remember I just I collapsed

27
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:59,039
completely collapsed and [music]

28
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,039
wailed so loudly that the neighbors

29
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:02,479
actually came over and said what the

30
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:05,518
hell's going on? I just I knew I just

31
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,399
knew it was not going to be a good

32
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:13,359
outcome. I just lost my son two years before.

33
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,679
I guess if I've got any regrets, I would

34
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,958
I I regret not not being not having

35
00:03:18,959 --> 00:03:21,518
enough understanding of what Jonah was

36
00:03:21,519 --> 00:03:24,158
going through. Um,

37
00:03:24,159 --> 00:03:28,719
he got into drugs at an early early age.

38
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,039
I sometimes wonder if Jonathan's death

39
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,919
triggered Anne's cancer, a cancer that

40
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,559
started in her womb.

41
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,318
I've got very complex feelings around

42
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:42,399
all of this, watching her go through that.

43
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,958
>> What was that like for you? H going

44
00:03:44,959 --> 00:03:46,958
watching her go through it.

45
00:03:46,959 --> 00:03:49,359
>> The only relief that I could find in

46
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:53,518
life was at that stage [music] was um

47
00:03:53,519 --> 00:03:56,158
I thought, "Oh, you know what? The house

48
00:03:56,159 --> 00:03:58,798
is on the market. we can sell the house,

49
00:03:58,799 --> 00:04:01,039
we can go to Switzerland and we can both

50
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,958
exit together. And I found

51
00:04:04,959 --> 00:04:07,279
I found great comfort in thinking that

52
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,518
that perhaps was a possibility. I mean,

53
00:04:09,519 --> 00:04:11,919
for an it was a possibility she had

54
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:16,879
terminal cancer. For me, could I join the

55
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,879
could I join the club and come with you?

56
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,798
You know, if you leave me, can I come

57
00:04:20,799 --> 00:04:25,119
too? As the song goes. Um, and uh, that

58
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,279
gave me some relief. That's the only

59
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:30,478
relief I could find. It was so dark. It

60
00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,159
>> Did you talk to an about that?

61
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,439
>> I talked to Ann about that.

62
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,879
Unfortunately, I talked to Sam about

63
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,719
that and I shouldn't have

64
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:39,519
>> and um, yeah, my younger son. So,

65
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,679
>> and he was good, but then later on he

66
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,439
No, he was good, but then later on he

67
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,638
just said, "Dad,

68
00:04:44,639 --> 00:04:47,039
>> that just absolutely killed me cuz you

69
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,159
know what? Do you think, you know, I'm

70
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,319
going to lose my brother and mother and

71
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,679
I'm going to be left alone on this

72
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,319
planet alone? Uh, I was stupid, but I

73
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,959
was I was

74
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:04,199
I don't know. I was absolutely distraught.

75
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:13,599
Um, I was offered some pills. I was

76
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,918
offered [music] some anti-depressants

77
00:05:15,919 --> 00:05:19,999
because I was suicidal to tell the truth

78
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,159
and um I took them for two weeks and I

79
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,839
they [music] started to work but I just

80
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:27,839
did not like that feeling of of blurring

81
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,799
the boundaries and so I stopped and I

82
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,038
made a decision and I think that's the

83
00:05:33,039 --> 00:05:35,758
that's the beginning of the journey that

84
00:05:35,759 --> 00:05:39,679
I'm now on and that I wanted to feel the

85
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,198
loss. I wanted to feel the grief. I

86
00:05:43,199 --> 00:05:46,638
wanted to go through grieving.

87
00:05:46,639 --> 00:05:49,279
As hard as that as it's it's so hard and

88
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:53,198
as hard as that is, I'm um I'm moving

89
00:05:53,199 --> 00:05:56,799
forward. And um lovely Mika who used to

90
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,119
work for us as a um producer in [music]

91
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:01,999
our production house. She called me up

92
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,679
and she said, "You know what? My uncle

93
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,318
two years ago lost his wife and he's

94
00:06:06,319 --> 00:06:08,719
sailing around the world with this with

95
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,519
this massive yacht and he's looking for

96
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:15,839
crew. Do you want to call him? Now I've

97
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:17,758
I've filmed everywhere in the world.

98
00:06:17,759 --> 00:06:19,359
I've even climbed the highest mountain

99
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,198
in Europe as part of a documentary that

100
00:06:21,199 --> 00:06:23,918
Ann and I made on um the first

101
00:06:23,919 --> 00:06:25,679
Australian woman to climb the seven

102
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,638
highest peaks [music] in the world. Um I

103
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:31,119
did that but I was in my 50s. Here I am

104
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,719
at 73, never been on a boat, but the

105
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,198
first thing I said was, "Sure, I'll do

106
00:06:37,199 --> 00:06:39,999
it." I've called Frank and Frank said,

107
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,359
"Yeah, come aboard." So, I'm off in a

108
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,318
few weeks to um jump on a boat from

109
00:06:46,319 --> 00:06:49,119
Thailand up through Cambodia, Vietnam,

110
00:06:49,120 --> 00:07:04,499
Japan, who knows where. [music] Move like

111
00:07:04,639 --> 00:07:14,979
physical contact [music] drift away

112
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,359
and a day

113
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:24,150
house boys back together. [music]

114
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:32,665
operation from life. Guide us away. [music]

115
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,638
>> I wanted something to uh get my mind off

116
00:07:38,639 --> 00:07:41,519
it, I suppose. And I brought [music] the

117
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,519
chart blood home from the boat and just

118
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,079
started planning. [music] We found the

119
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:52,914
cancer had been in other parts of her body.

120
00:07:52,915 --> 00:07:55,999
[music] And so then the

121
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,999
end was coming I suppose is the best way

122
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,559
to describe it. That doctor basically

123
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:04,159
said go home and die but uh we weren't

124
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:07,439
willing to accept that. So we went to

125
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:11,679
a cancer specialist and basically she

126
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,239
lived for another 3 years. But in during

127
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:21,519
that 3 years we had uh more chemo, more radiation,

128
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,758
all those sorts of things. And

129
00:08:23,759 --> 00:08:25,519
particularly the worst thing for Anne

130
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,478
was that she had to have radiation in

131
00:08:28,479 --> 00:08:30,719
her brain because she had some cancer in

132
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:35,119
the brain. We she'd become bedridden.

133
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,518
We'd moved her downstairs into the loun

134
00:08:37,519 --> 00:09:10,239
room um into a hospital bed and it was real [ __ ] [music] [singing] >> [music]

135
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:15,080
>> I don't know whether I will even get over this.

136
00:09:15,839 --> 00:09:19,679
I'm sure my mind is changing. I'm sure

137
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,398
as time goes on,

138
00:09:22,399 --> 00:09:25,518
my body is changing.

139
00:09:25,519 --> 00:09:30,079
>> But something deep inside is remains

140
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,799
unchanged. And that's I miss my darling

141
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,559
wife. I miss my partner for life.

142
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,838
>> And I can I can talk to other people. I

143
00:09:39,839 --> 00:09:43,199
talked to Frank about his

144
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,639
>> life together with his wife Anne and um

145
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,879
how that went for him and that was that

146
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:53,039
sounded terrible towards the end

147
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,119
and his solution was to jump on a yacht

148
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,119
and sail and that's all he wants to do

149
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,679
and that's great but

150
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:04,398
that's not all I want to do. Um,

151
00:10:04,399 --> 00:10:06,319
but the pathetic part of all of this is

152
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:11,278
I don't know what I want to do.

153
00:10:11,279 --> 00:10:15,759
I've made a promise to Sam that I will stay.

154
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,838
>> I will change.

155
00:10:17,839 --> 00:10:20,398
>> I will stay the course and I won't do

156
00:10:20,399 --> 00:10:22,078
anything stupid. And I've made a promise

157
00:10:22,079 --> 00:10:26,559
to an and I'll keep to that promise. But

158
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:33,000
it's [ __ ] hard. Our

159
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:41,119
brain is changed forever when we bond

160
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,479
with someone. [music]

161
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,199
And with that comes the understanding

162
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,879
I'll always be there for you [music] and

163
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,119
you'll always be there for me. And

164
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,039
there's a specific region of the brain

165
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,439
very deep in the in the center called

166
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,239
the nucleus encumbent. This is the area

167
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,999
we see in animal studies that's

168
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,759
important [music] in bonding and in

169
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,919
grief. And we see in humans

170
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:07,039
people who are yearning for their loved

171
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,919
one who's died. The more yearning that

172
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,319
they have, this is encoded in the brain.

173
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,039
So we see more activity in this same

174
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,759
brain region. [music] So more yearning,

175
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,239
more nucleus encumbrance activation,

176
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:24,479
which is kind of mind-boggling that we

177
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:28,479
really physically are carrying that

178
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,759
desire for our loved one to be with us

179
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,559
again, searching them out and [music]

180
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:39,199
and wanting to be with them. Grief is is

181
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:43,518
really like a a shock system to the body and >> [music]

182
00:11:43,519 --> 00:11:45,459
>> um especially if you're a married

183
00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,919
[clears throat] couple.

184
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,278
You [music] feel as though you you've

185
00:11:49,279 --> 00:11:52,319
lost half of your your body, your your

186
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:56,319
mind, but [music] and then

187
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,679
it's like nature. It starts to your

188
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,239
brain maybe in half but it starts to

189
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,599
grow again [music] as each time goes by

190
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,479
each week or each month each year your

191
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,319
your mind starts to [music] grow where

192
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:12,958
you become an individual once again and

193
00:12:12,959 --> 00:12:15,759
not not a pair [music] but it's very

194
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:19,679
difficult. It's like um a child learning

195
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:23,199
to do things. It it it takes

196
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,958
over and over again to to [music] think

197
00:12:24,959 --> 00:12:28,159
about it and um think about what you've

198
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,278
got to do as an individual. You can't

199
00:12:31,279 --> 00:12:35,199
depend on the spouse you had. When we're

200
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,838
grieving, we have to figure out how to

201
00:12:37,839 --> 00:12:40,799
handle every situation without our loved

202
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,239
one. And in order to do that, our body

203
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,278
has to put forth enormous effort.

204
00:12:47,279 --> 00:12:49,759
Research shows that for most of us, our

205
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,599
blood pressure goes up a little bit, our

206
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,679
heart rate goes up a little bit, our

207
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,799
stress hormones like cortisol increase.

208
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,679
And for the vast majority of us, round

209
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,078
about 6 months,

210
00:13:02,079 --> 00:13:04,958
most of those systems have started to

211
00:13:04,959 --> 00:13:07,759
regulate themselves again.

212
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,039
The body absorbs this learning curve

213
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,439
that we're on.

214
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,479
But we know that it is a medically risky

215
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,999
time that because of this extra effort

216
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,719
that the body has to go through, for example,

217
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,518
the rate of fatal heart attack for a man

218
00:13:27,519 --> 00:13:30,078
is almost twice as high in the 3 months

219
00:13:30,079 --> 00:13:33,199
after his wife dies as compared to a

220
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,838
married man during that same time. In

221
00:13:35,839 --> 00:13:38,319
fact, on the day a loved one dies, we

222
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,518
are 21 times more likely, research

223
00:13:41,519 --> 00:13:43,919
shows, to have a heart attack than any

224
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,638
other day of our life. 21 times more

225
00:13:46,639 --> 00:13:50,638
likely. And so, the impact of a loved

226
00:13:50,639 --> 00:13:53,759
one being torn away from us is on our

227
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:57,518
physical body because we have formed a

228
00:13:57,519 --> 00:14:00,958
wei that isn't just mental, it's

229
00:14:00,959 --> 00:14:03,278
physical as well. And your experience

230
00:14:03,279 --> 00:14:05,359
certainly testifies to that. When you

231
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,159
have 52 years of Wii time and you're

232
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,239
trying to somehow link up with the

233
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,278
18-year-old version of you um to see

234
00:14:13,279 --> 00:14:15,759
what me time is about, it doesn't work.

235
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,239
You have to somehow forward that video

236
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,359
of your life to who you are now in a way

237
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,999
that includes Ann's dying as well as

238
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,398
that half century of living that you

239
00:14:28,399 --> 00:14:31,759
shared. Um and and that is important

240
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:35,518
work and it it it goes beyond grieving

241
00:14:35,519 --> 00:14:38,398
to figuring out then uh a way to live in

242
00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:40,879
light of the loss uh and in light of the

243
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,599
life shared with the others. So I I

244
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,719
think it I really see the the experience

245
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,879
of grieving as in some way rewriting our life stories.

246
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,599
>> That's half the battle, maybe more than

247
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,479
half the battle to figure out who who am

248
00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:01,679
I now? Am I still a wife? Am I still a husband?

249
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,198
You know, this is a question that

250
00:15:03,199 --> 00:15:05,278
sometimes parents who whose children

251
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:08,159
die, especially if all of their children

252
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:11,759
have died, am I still a parent? How many

253
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,319
children do I have? But in a long

254
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,838
marriage, the integration that occurs

255
00:15:17,839 --> 00:15:21,198
between two human beings on every level,

256
00:15:21,199 --> 00:15:24,159
physiological, psychological, emotional.

257
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:27,359
I mean, if you think about half of your

258
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,078
neurological connections suddenly being

259
00:15:30,079 --> 00:15:33,838
pulled out, it it's not hard to

260
00:15:33,839 --> 00:15:37,198
understand why you would feel, you know,

261
00:15:37,199 --> 00:15:41,119
devastated. You know, CS Lewis said,

262
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:45,119
you know, I may get a prosthetic. I may,

263
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,359
you know, walk with uh, you know, with

264
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,078
canes or a walker, but I will never be a

265
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:52,638
biped again. I think just that

266
00:15:52,639 --> 00:15:58,040
expression I will never be a biped.

267
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,638
>> I was preaching away and then one

268
00:16:08,639 --> 00:16:12,479
one night in one of these um

269
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,119
>> charismatic meetings um there was an on

270
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,758
the church steps and um

271
00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:19,919
>> I don't know what happened. She she just

272
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,638
um I you know we were all trying to be

273
00:16:22,639 --> 00:16:24,078
very good Christians and I said, "God,

274
00:16:24,079 --> 00:16:25,679
you smell of cigarettes." And she just

275
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,319
said, "I know

276
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,879
and we fell in love just like that." And

277
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,518
um we stayed up all that night and just

278
00:16:33,519 --> 00:16:36,398
talked our heads up and you know, here's

279
00:16:36,399 --> 00:16:39,119
this girl that I I just, you know, she

280
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,679
was just it was just astonishing. She

281
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,719
was just amazing. And I mean, where do

282
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:49,039
you find a girl that rides a 650 BSA

283
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,958
motorcycle and chucks me on the back and

284
00:16:50,959 --> 00:16:53,119
says, "Let's go and watch the sunset."

285
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,879
Everything I said made her laugh. And in

286
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,799
fact, I remember I did the I I made her

287
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,398
laugh so much that night that we first

288
00:17:00,399 --> 00:17:01,679
met. She was sitting on the back of a

289
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,439
couch that she fell backwards off the

290
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,639
couch, legs spreading,

291
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:10,078
and I had to haul her up. And um that's

292
00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:12,239
how we met. So, um, yeah, I looked into

293
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,838
the face of an and I looked into the

294
00:17:13,839 --> 00:17:22,639
other part of an and I thought, you're my girl. [laughter]

295
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:26,639
>> Dear Anne, I don't know where you went.

296
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,719
As I travel through Southeast Asia, I'm

297
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,959
finding people here don't seem to feel

298
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:37,199
the same way about death and loss as I do. After

299
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,798
Anne died, I I I just had to get out of

300
00:17:40,799 --> 00:17:44,159
the house. And so, a friend of mine was

301
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,159
writing a book and she needed some um

302
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,239
support. So, I decided I'd go up to

303
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:52,719
Thailand and just spend some time and um help her

304
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,159
write her book. And um while I was away,

305
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,159
I was I began to get really confronted

306
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,119
by the locals. I would share my story of

307
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,519
grief. I was

308
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,319
sharing what had happened to me and um

309
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,678
the response just seemed so flippid and

310
00:18:09,679 --> 00:18:13,519
and it was like well without exception

311
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,678
death is just a natural part of life and

312
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:19,119
it's a circle and we come back and they

313
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,359
didn't seem to understand at all what I

314
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:25,999
was going through after 52 years of love and marriage

315
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,399
and so it started me on this journey I

316
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,599
guess of um I wanted to go and and

317
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,199
discover what other cultures h how they

318
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,038
deal with death, how they deal with

319
00:18:37,039 --> 00:18:53,218
loss, how they deal with grief. [cheering]

320
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:58,319
>> Today I saw a bizarre process here in Bali. [cheering]

321
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,239
I caught up with Gusty, who was excited

322
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,159
as he prepared to dig up the remains of

323
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,952
his dead father and close family members

324
00:19:04,953 --> 00:19:09,599
[cheering] to finally release them for reincarnation.

325
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:16,120
Gusty wasn't sad or grieving like me. He was ecstatic.

326
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,959
>> Good. Good. Well done.

327
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,079
>> Yeah. Strong man.

328
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,519
>> Congratulations. Strong man.

329
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,399
>> Yeah. Traveling through Southeast Asia

330
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,798
on Frank's yacht, I came across so many

331
00:19:30,799 --> 00:19:33,439
people who told me that death is simply

332
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:37,400
a natural part of life.

333
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,199
They didn't seem to understand my grief,

334
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,079
how I felt my life had ended, and now

335
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:48,079
all I had was immense sorrow and sadness.

336
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,319
I wanted to keep traveling to better

337
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,439
understand this beast called grief to

338
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:54,798
see if there was a way through the

339
00:19:54,799 --> 00:19:58,719
horror and despair I felt. We keep the

340
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:03,199
bond here for one day before the man's

341
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,159
uh cremation will doing.

342
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,159
>> Okay. And all the families.

343
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,719
>> Yeah. And and you got all the names on them.

344
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:13,439
>> Yeah. That's all name.

345
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,519
>> So this is all your family members.

346
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:20,959
>> Yeah. These are all my family. Wow, >> congratulations.

347
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:28,849
>> Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much. [music]

348
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,199
>> Um only yesterday we're on standing we

349
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,359
were um digging up the bones just

350
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:39,439
beneath our feet and today we have got

351
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,999
the procession of all these beautiful

352
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,519
statues that have come through the

353
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,399
street. They're now in the cemetery and

354
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,199
very shortly the bodies that we dug up

355
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,519
yesterday are going to be placed on

356
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,558
these funeral pies and there's going to

357
00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:56,558
be a mass cremation and I'm sure it's

358
00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:59,918
going to be a great celebration just

359
00:20:59,919 --> 00:21:04,280
like the procession through the streets.

360
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:19,839
We call it uh um Malan. We call it

361
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,239
>> His uh his name Malan. >> Yeah.

362
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:27,119
>> Just uh just his can go to the uh other

363
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,399
other place. Yeah.

364
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:33,279
>> For the God and then uh for the soul. >> Yeah.

365
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,319
>> She take the soul

366
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:41,999
bring to my uh next generation. It's so energizing.

367
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,199
It just makes me think how sterilized

368
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,319
our funeral ceremonies are. This is just

369
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:52,679
such a beautiful celebration.

370
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,359
My good friend Aum has agreed to take me

371
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:20,399
across Lake Bura to a remote and ancient

372
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,439
Balines village, Trren, also known as

373
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:26,319
Skull Island. Here, the locals don't

374
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,239
bother to bury or burn their dead loved

375
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,719
ones. They simply place the bodies in

376
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,959
bamboo cages under a fragrant terram

377
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,399
onion tree which mysteriously masks the

378
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,880
smell of decomposition.

379
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,399
This gentleman over here

380
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,639
was put here

381
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:52,840
just two weeks ago.

382
00:22:54,159 --> 00:22:56,639
the body when they are die here they

383
00:22:56,640 --> 00:23:00,079
will keep until they have the good day.

384
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,639
So uh every 3 years they have the good

385
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,479
day they make community ceremony for the

386
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,759
ceremony only the different thing is uh

387
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:13,439
uh they are not burning the bone. So

388
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,839
they are just leave it like this but the

389
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,879
all uh ceremony they do same like what

390
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,719
they do in our Balines culture or Balin

391
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,439
tradition uh then they believe also they

392
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,439
can be reincarnation again.

393
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,158
>> So what's the name of the tree again? Taruman.

394
00:23:30,159 --> 00:23:32,959
>> So the Taruman tree. There's only one

395
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:33,759
>> Yeah. Only one tree

396
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,119
>> and that's the one behind us.

397
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:35,678
>> Yes. Yes.

398
00:23:35,679 --> 00:23:37,359
>> And that's There's no other tree in

399
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:38,479
Bali. Not more

400
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:39,678
>> like that. >> No.

401
00:23:39,679 --> 00:23:41,839
>> Wow. How old is that tree? Do you know?

402
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:46,360
>> I maybe more than one years.

403
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,839
>> I daily grieve for my darling wife and

404
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:54,319
son. And I'm so confused with what I've just witnessed.

405
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,038
Well, I've um I've arrived back in

406
00:23:57,039 --> 00:24:00,399
Australia unexpectedly. Um we were

407
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,319
continuing our journey on Frank's yacht

408
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,399
and um ended up in Paneang. We were

409
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,639
birthed there. Going to spend a couple

410
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:10,158
of days in Paneang looking around

411
00:24:10,159 --> 00:24:14,399
>> and in the we hours I received a call from Samual

412
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,798
>> and um he was in a bad way. In fact,

413
00:24:16,799 --> 00:24:23,119
really distressed. The grief had really overtaken him.

414
00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:24,879
uh [sighs] and he's in fact ended up in

415
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,558
hospital. So I've come back to support him

416
00:24:28,559 --> 00:24:30,959
and in a way I guess I haven't fully

417
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,199
realized just the impact this has had on

418
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,558
him losing his brother and then a year

419
00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:41,119
later his mother and his grandmother

420
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:44,798
and um and then supporting me and coming

421
00:24:44,799 --> 00:24:46,798
to New Zealand to spread the ashes of

422
00:24:46,799 --> 00:24:48,798
three generations. something that was

423
00:24:48,799 --> 00:24:50,639
that was I didn't realize just how much

424
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,079
of an impact it was having on him.

425
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,639
So, I'm hoping that he's going to he's

426
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,479
going to be all right. I'm I'm sure he

427
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,519
will. I've I've um I'm convinced that

428
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:02,879
we're just going to we're going to come

429
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:07,278
through this and um fingers crossed it's

430
00:25:07,279 --> 00:25:28,842
going to make us a lot closer. [music] >> [music]

431
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,399
>> I'm a lot like my dad who would have to

432
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,479
say he's been wearing a beard ever since

433
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:38,239
mom passed away. She would have hated it.

434
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,158
Inspiring. He likes to go to church to

435
00:25:40,159 --> 00:25:42,079
hear the choir sing roses. cuz men

436
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,399
aren't really supposed to be the ones left behind.

437
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,759
>> No. Well, they're really really

438
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:50,399
>> and just that there's we're the last two

439
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,359
of our family and

440
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:57,439
>> I guess mom been she was the matriarch.

441
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,519
She was our family.

442
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,158
>> Dear Anne, I've traveled across Asia

443
00:26:02,159 --> 00:26:04,479
trying to make sense of your death and

444
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,239
of Jonathan's only two years before

445
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,038
that. I've been focused on my own grief

446
00:26:09,039 --> 00:26:11,119
and I didn't see the utter despair poor

447
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,839
Sam was facing. Struggling to come to

448
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,239
terms with his brother's overdose and

449
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,479
now you gone,

450
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:21,199
>> cut out of his life forever.

451
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:24,959
>> You talk about your son, he lost he lost

452
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:29,359
his brother and he lost his mother and

453
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:32,239
you should be and he is there for you.

454
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,158
He try he tries to be there. You should

455
00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:35,678
be there for this is the most important

456
00:26:35,679 --> 00:26:39,038
thing. You should be there for him. It's

457
00:26:39,039 --> 00:26:42,079
the most important thing and you have a

458
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,839
chance. So just be with for him and with

459
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,359
him as much as you can. Just give him as

460
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:51,599
much support as you can because you will

461
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,439
see when you give him support, you will

462
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:54,479
get it back.

463
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,879
>> Returning home to support Sam, I found

464
00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:00,479
myself once again alone and isolated. I

465
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:02,079
set myself the challenge of painting a

466
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,558
portrait in honor of Anne. But I soon

467
00:27:04,559 --> 00:27:08,959
found that grief is sneaky and unpredictable.

468
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,622
Out of the blue, it's just I thought

469
00:27:11,623 --> 00:27:13,643
[sighs and gasps]

470
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,079
I thought I was through it. But I don't

471
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:19,839
think that you're ever through it.

472
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,199
I'm just surrounded by [snorts] 52 years

473
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:28,158
of memories and love.

474
00:27:28,159 --> 00:27:30,158
I don't know where this has come from.

475
00:27:30,159 --> 00:27:37,823
It's just it's just just diabolical and this

476
00:27:37,824 --> 00:27:43,359
[snorts] my friends is the face of grief and loss.

477
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:45,359
I don't know

478
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,278
at this stage what to do. Two whisies

479
00:27:47,279 --> 00:27:48,959
hasn't solved the problem today.

480
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,678
>> You are altered. You will never be the

481
00:27:51,679 --> 00:27:54,558
person you were before because because a

482
00:27:54,559 --> 00:27:57,119
significant component of the person who

483
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,918
you were before was your wife.

484
00:27:59,919 --> 00:28:05,278
and she's gone. Whatever people say about grief

485
00:28:05,279 --> 00:28:07,918
is probably true about someone

486
00:28:07,919 --> 00:28:10,479
somewhere, but it's just not true about

487
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,079
you. And people want to have this fixed

488
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:17,599
idea about what grief is, you know, as a

489
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,359
way of managing their own anxiety. Um,

490
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:24,879
but I think what's most important is

491
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:27,359
to be able to

492
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:29,759
understand and really be compassionate

493
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:33,678
with oneself about one's own grief

494
00:28:33,679 --> 00:28:36,479
rather than looking for compassion from

495
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,639
other people because you may or may not get it.

496
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,158
>> I could start

497
00:28:42,159 --> 00:28:45,359
realizing that to feel it is a good

498
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:49,119
thing, but I'm a bit of a coward. more

499
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:50,959
than a bit of a coward. I'm a coward. I

500
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:52,398
don't want to

501
00:28:52,399 --> 00:28:54,719
>> I don't want to feel it.

502
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:55,918
>> It's too hard

503
00:28:55,919 --> 00:28:59,038
>> for most people over time. Um things do

504
00:28:59,039 --> 00:29:00,319
get easier, but you always have those

505
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:01,918
surges of grief. You always have those

506
00:29:01,919 --> 00:29:04,798
moments where grief creeps creeps up on

507
00:29:04,799 --> 00:29:07,439
you again and surprises you. Quite often

508
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,599
people are there for somebody in that

509
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:13,119
very early stage and everybody's there

510
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,839
you know and then time goes on and and

511
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,119
that's weeks, days, months, but then

512
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,918
everyone gets busy and and it's almost a

513
00:29:21,919 --> 00:29:23,599
forgotten thing. Oh, they've moved on

514
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,079
and yet the person's just still that's

515
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:30,398
almost the hardest time. And and I think

516
00:29:30,399 --> 00:29:33,278
from a place of compassion and caring

517
00:29:33,279 --> 00:29:35,918
when we care about someone to be able to

518
00:29:35,919 --> 00:29:39,199
just respond and reach out. I think

519
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:42,158
grief makes people very uncomfortable

520
00:29:42,159 --> 00:29:45,199
and because of that discomfort they are

521
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,359
usually very sensible, compassionate

522
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:50,558
people who I don't know go a bit crazy

523
00:29:50,559 --> 00:29:52,879
or something. I don't really know. But I

524
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,519
think it's easy to think that social

525
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,239
support in the wake of loss should be

526
00:29:58,240 --> 00:30:00,639
something that we we can be good at or

527
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:02,719
should be an easy process. And it's

528
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,038
really not at all because we first have

529
00:30:05,039 --> 00:30:07,519
to recognize that someone has a need and

530
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,999
we might just miss it. We might not even

531
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,879
realize it. But usually we do realize

532
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:16,398
it, but because of that discomfort, we

533
00:30:16,399 --> 00:30:19,678
maybe just pretend not to notice or we

534
00:30:19,679 --> 00:30:21,759
see them at the shops and we we just

535
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:23,519
ignore them. We pretend we haven't seen

536
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,239
them or they look at us and we run away

537
00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:28,719
from them because of that discomfort of

538
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:32,398
uh what what am I meant to say or do? Um

539
00:30:32,399 --> 00:30:34,959
and then so then you have to have

540
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,519
someone who recognizes the need,

541
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:40,079
overcomes their discomfort and does

542
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:42,398
something they say or do something. They

543
00:30:42,399 --> 00:30:44,959
provide an offer of support but that

544
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,199
support has to be perceived as helpful

545
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:50,879
by the grieving person. It could be the

546
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:53,839
right um time for support but from the

547
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,918
wrong person or the wrong type of

548
00:30:55,919 --> 00:30:57,918
support. So, you know, I could turn up

549
00:30:57,919 --> 00:30:59,759
at your house with a casserole. And

550
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:02,319
you're like, well, I don't eat that. Or

551
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,719
I have a freezer full. I have no space

552
00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:08,719
for this. Um, or I might think I'm being

553
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,038
helpful by making a suggestion of what

554
00:31:11,039 --> 00:31:13,119
you should do, but that's obviously not

555
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:14,798
what you want. You don't need to be told

556
00:31:14,799 --> 00:31:16,879
anything or have any advice. Maybe you

557
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:19,439
just want someone to sit with you or

558
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,678
listen to you or do some gardening for

559
00:31:21,679 --> 00:31:25,839
you or so so much of it can go wrong at

560
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:27,519
all these different phases.

561
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:28,879
>> It's funny, you know, you have this

562
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,359
intense period of, you know, is there

563
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,278
anything we can do to help? It's the

564
00:31:33,279 --> 00:31:34,879
number one comment that people say and

565
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,479
and I should have said, well, give me a

566
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:37,518
million dollars. You know, I should have

567
00:31:37,519 --> 00:31:38,558
done something with it because you

568
00:31:38,559 --> 00:31:39,839
don't. You just sort of let it all

569
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:42,959
happen. Once that stops happening

570
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:46,558
and you realize that you're alone,

571
00:31:46,559 --> 00:31:48,479
that's really when grieving starts. I

572
00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:50,798
reckon that's the real grief cuz all of

573
00:31:50,799 --> 00:31:53,759
a sudden the walls close in and it's now

574
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:57,439
what do I do? You know, it's that part

575
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,439
that you have to change. That's the hard

576
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:01,839
part. And I thought, what a beautiful

577
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,759
thing that someone would make something

578
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:05,518
for you so that you didn't have to think

579
00:32:05,519 --> 00:32:08,558
about that. Someone lit a fire that was

580
00:32:08,559 --> 00:32:11,678
beautiful. Um, I didn't want to go to

581
00:32:11,679 --> 00:32:13,678
bed in my own bed and I went to bed in

582
00:32:13,679 --> 00:32:16,319
bed. Jesse came down from Jalong and we

583
00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:18,319
slept in bed and I remember waking up in

584
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:19,918
the middle of the night and just

585
00:32:19,919 --> 00:32:22,239
starting to pull my hair out and hoping

586
00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:23,999
that it would rip out of my head but it

587
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:27,599
didn't. And I just remember thinking

588
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:29,839
I I mean I think I thought Wayne that

589
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:32,239
that things would change. I just didn't

590
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:34,959
realize and thank God I didn't realize

591
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:36,959
but I didn't realize the magnitude of

592
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:40,319
the change. I just thought the tsunami's

593
00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:43,278
come. It's hit me. I'm rec I'm going to

594
00:32:43,279 --> 00:32:48,239
recover. But I had no idea. None. You

595
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:52,398
know, I was human trying to not be I

596
00:32:52,399 --> 00:32:55,918
guess. Um, and so what I really

597
00:32:55,919 --> 00:32:58,959
appreciate and really appreciate are

598
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:02,639
those people that

599
00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,599
have stuck with me because they've

600
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:08,798
helped me get back to who I like to be.

601
00:33:08,799 --> 00:33:11,278
They've helped me. They believed in me.

602
00:33:11,279 --> 00:33:13,918
They liked me before. They still like me

603
00:33:13,919 --> 00:33:16,479
since, you know. And I was recently on

604
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:18,398
holiday with some school friends in

605
00:33:18,399 --> 00:33:21,518
Malta and they said, "It's so nice to

606
00:33:21,519 --> 00:33:23,759
have you back, Rosie."

607
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:26,398
You know, they don't feel anxious about

608
00:33:26,399 --> 00:33:28,239
upsetting me and saying something

609
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,879
untoward or, you know, because they

610
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,439
they've all seen it and they all

611
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,879
understood my pain. Um, and they stayed

612
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,079
friends. But my neighbors, other people

613
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,798
haven't haven't spoken to me in 10 years

614
00:33:42,799 --> 00:33:46,239
or 11 years or 12 years. Um, and I don't

615
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:49,199
blame them now. But that was what they

616
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:53,960
will never understand is that

617
00:33:54,399 --> 00:33:58,319
um when when you re react or respond in

618
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,599
a way that

619
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:03,678
you know is

620
00:34:03,679 --> 00:34:06,959
um angry and

621
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:12,040
and people you hurt people

622
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,479
you know they they they they need to

623
00:34:14,480 --> 00:34:16,799
protect themselves or they need to they

624
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:21,358
don't have to tolerate it.

625
00:34:21,359 --> 00:34:25,439
But it's really difficult when you apologize

626
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:31,358
at some point, even more than once, and they

627
00:34:31,359 --> 00:34:35,358
choose not to accept that. I had no idea

628
00:34:35,359 --> 00:34:39,439
about um the

629
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:44,158
gaping, ugly, horrible, vile wound that

630
00:34:44,159 --> 00:34:48,319
I would feel. I had no idea that 90% of

631
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:50,479
the population have no idea how to treat

632
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:53,759
you. 90% of the population,

633
00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:58,479
you know, speak platitudes into your pain. Um

634
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:01,759
that so that that so little is really

635
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,358
understood about grief. I mean, I read

636
00:35:03,359 --> 00:35:05,199
some very good books on grief. That was

637
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:09,919
very very helpful. Um and one of the

638
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:11,759
things that did happen for me is a very

639
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:15,999
close friend of mine who's um a chaplain

640
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:20,159
was a chaplain at Trinity. um he was

641
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,519
camping with the c with the boys up in

642
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:26,159
the in the I don't know Sherbrook forest

643
00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:29,679
or something and he came down and I

644
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:31,519
remember he just sat in the lounge room

645
00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:35,039
with me and just sat with me and he

646
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,598
didn't really say a lot but his ministry

647
00:35:37,599 --> 00:35:40,719
was very powerful because it was just by

648
00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:44,078
being present he wasn't trying to speak

649
00:35:44,079 --> 00:35:46,319
platitudes into the impossible situation

650
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:49,199
that I in which I found myself and also

651
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,719
he knew um very well as did most of our

652
00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:54,479
close friends how deeply we loved each

653
00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:58,319
other. So you know I mean to this day

654
00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:00,479
people say you know we wish we'd had a

655
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:02,879
love affair like you two had you know we

656
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:04,559
wish our love was like yours. My

657
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,039
children say they wish that their that

658
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,598
their that their love was like ours. You

659
00:36:09,599 --> 00:36:16,399
know, there's a difference between grieving loss

660
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:18,799
through illness, through aging, through

661
00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:21,279
lots of those things to a traumatic

662
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:24,159
incidence. There is a difference. And so

663
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:28,959
that traum trauma, you know, you I think

664
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:32,319
how painful but how special it must be

665
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:35,279
to have somebody

666
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:38,639
who you've been able to nurse and the

667
00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:44,159
honor and the privilege to be able to do that.

668
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,838
I would have done that for my father

669
00:36:47,839 --> 00:36:50,719
and I I did for a few days in and you

670
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:54,479
know and you would do that you do it I

671
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:59,118
do it for my dogs um but you know some

672
00:36:59,119 --> 00:37:01,999
of us are snatched in the most brutal

673
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:07,919
way and you know for me I I couldn't

674
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:11,199
you know and the the journey through

675
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:14,078
grief changes because initially

676
00:37:14,079 --> 00:37:16,399
It's the shock of something horrendous

677
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,358
that's happened and the brutality of

678
00:37:19,359 --> 00:37:26,839
what has happened to them. And

679
00:37:27,119 --> 00:37:29,679
and I kept thinking, did Luke know what

680
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:32,319
was about to happen?

681
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,838
You know what in those last few seconds

682
00:37:35,839 --> 00:37:40,639
did he know that I missed? My son was

683
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:42,799
murdered by his father at cricket

684
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:47,039
practice here in Ty Victoria, Australia.

685
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:53,279
Um it was just a really hot summer's night. Um

686
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:55,999
it just as we all do as parents, drop

687
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,479
our kids off. Some parents choose to

688
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:01,358
stay. some I was cooking something. So,

689
00:38:01,359 --> 00:38:03,999
I came home and then I went to pick him

690
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:06,719
up and he asked if he could spend a few

691
00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:08,959
extra minutes with his dad practicing in

692
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:13,039
the nets. Um and really every all the

693
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:15,439
parents and all the other kids, you

694
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:18,239
know, went home and so there really was

695
00:38:18,240 --> 00:38:22,879
just um myself um

696
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:26,719
and my view was obscured, but I knew

697
00:38:26,720 --> 00:38:29,118
Luke was safely in the nets with his

698
00:38:29,119 --> 00:38:31,279
dad. He had um although I had

699
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:33,039
intervention orders because we have a

700
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:35,679
history of family violence, the violence

701
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:39,679
was never directed at Luke and um it was

702
00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:41,838
within the parameters of the

703
00:38:41,839 --> 00:38:44,879
intervention order. So or I believed as

704
00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:48,319
such. I remember after Marita's death,

705
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:51,519
one of my nieces got married and and I'd

706
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:53,598
just had all the end of the paperwork

707
00:38:53,599 --> 00:38:55,439
had all been done and everybody had gone

708
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:59,679
home and and here's this family occasion,

709
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:03,039
but I'd collapsed. It's it's I'd had so

710
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:05,358
much I carried so much stress and grief

711
00:39:05,359 --> 00:39:07,999
for so long I could not even get out of

712
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,239
bed, you know. So the day of a wedding I

713
00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:13,118
I couldn't even lift my arm, you know. I

714
00:39:13,119 --> 00:39:15,679
was so drained

715
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:18,799
so I didn't go you know and it's

716
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,639
and it was at that point I think was my

717
00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,999
lowest but that was after everything you

718
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:26,159
know so it's

719
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:27,838
if I was to look back I'd say that that

720
00:39:27,839 --> 00:39:33,838
was day one of going forward when you realize

721
00:39:33,839 --> 00:39:36,319
I'm I'm all poured out and there's

722
00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:38,319
nothing left of that part of this

723
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:40,399
journey. So from here it's going

724
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:43,039
forward. We didn't get a cannon in the

725
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:47,279
end, but um he wanted to be shot out of

726
00:39:47,280 --> 00:39:50,479
one like Hunter S. Thompson, the writer.

727
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:52,879
Um the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

728
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:55,439
and stuff, that dude. Um so I couldn't

729
00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:56,959
get a cannon. We were going to get one

730
00:39:56,960 --> 00:40:00,239
of those potato um guns, but we couldn't

731
00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:03,039
get it to work properly on a dreary day.

732
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:05,519
So, a friend of mine who um does a lot

733
00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:07,759
of um arburous work, we got his

734
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:12,399
industrial slingshot and um we put I

735
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,559
made little portions of Joe's ashes with

736
00:40:14,560 --> 00:40:17,679
different colors of this um that same

737
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:19,759
stuff that using color runs or like um

738
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:23,598
gender reveals that chalk. So, everybody

739
00:40:23,599 --> 00:40:25,598
got to shoot a little portion of him out

740
00:40:25,599 --> 00:40:29,279
over Port Albert. So, um, and I told

741
00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:32,879
Vanna, our daughter, um, that we're

742
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:34,559
keeping the good memories and the ones

743
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:38,159
we're putting out there as when dad was a [ __ ]

744
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:39,679
the [ __ ] memories of dad had gone

745
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:43,199
out over Port Albert. So, cuz she's

746
00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,118
quite angry. She's Yeah, she's angry.

747
00:40:47,119 --> 00:40:49,118
So, it was when mom stayed after we

748
00:40:49,119 --> 00:40:52,559
moved the couches and stuff and um I

749
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:55,838
pretended to go out and take a phone call

750
00:40:55,839 --> 00:40:57,759
and I come back in and I said just sat

751
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,519
her down and I said that phone call was

752
00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,479
really important. I need to talk to you.

753
00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:09,358
And um I just said, "Dad's gone." And um yeah, she

754
00:41:09,359 --> 00:41:12,879
um she wouldn't believe it at first. She

755
00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:21,519
was like, "No." [snorts] Um, no. And um,

756
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:24,879
yeah, it was hard cuz she usually would

757
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:26,639
want to be consoled by me, but she

758
00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:29,598
pushed me away.

759
00:41:29,599 --> 00:41:32,399
And, um, yeah,

760
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:37,358
it was was [ __ ] Um,

761
00:41:37,359 --> 00:41:39,118
it took probably half an hour until she

762
00:41:39,119 --> 00:41:41,919
sort of talked to me a bit about it and

763
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:43,519
she said, "Is it real?" And I said,

764
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:48,839
"Yeah." that it is real. Um,

765
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:53,118
and yeah, she has been [sighs]

766
00:41:53,119 --> 00:41:55,358
she's not adverse to it. Like we lost my

767
00:41:55,359 --> 00:41:59,519
dad 3 years ago, so she's kind of

768
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:01,039
that wasn't anywhere near as hard for

769
00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:04,479
her. It was hard for me, but um and you

770
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:06,879
know, we've doing animal rescue, we lose

771
00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:08,559
things a bit, so she's not she

772
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:12,159
understands death, but um it's been a

773
00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:14,479
hard one for her. She's being a bit

774
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:18,639
closed off and angrier than like this

775
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:20,719
very big feelings for an 11year-old.

776
00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:22,399
>> Oh, I think kids are the greatest

777
00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:24,399
teachers around these things. There's so

778
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,078
many elements of death that actually

779
00:42:26,079 --> 00:42:28,799
adults are super anxious about, but kids

780
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:30,879
are like, you know, talk about cremation

781
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:32,719
and all of these things. As long as they

782
00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:33,999
understand that a body that's died

783
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:35,838
doesn't feel anything anymore, kids, I

784
00:42:35,839 --> 00:42:37,199
find, are pretty much like, "Oh, okay.

785
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:38,399
That's one of the things we do with a

786
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:40,399
body when it dies." whereas adults are

787
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:42,399
often so anxious about having this

788
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:45,598
conversation um with a child. I I think

789
00:42:45,599 --> 00:42:47,919
one of the things that kids have taught

790
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:50,239
me the most though is that they have a

791
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:53,679
phenomenal ability to really juggle deep

792
00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:58,399
joy and deep sorrow at the same time.

793
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:00,799
They can go back and forth very quickly

794
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,519
between like huge amounts of grief that

795
00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:06,239
are coming to the surface. Um, and then

796
00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:09,759
playing and having fun and genuinely

797
00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:11,598
enjoying themselves in a way. Often

798
00:43:11,599 --> 00:43:13,679
adults will feel guilty if they start

799
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:15,838
laughing or they're having too good of a

800
00:43:15,839 --> 00:43:18,078
time or just aren't able to experience

801
00:43:18,079 --> 00:43:20,559
any of that and access that at all. And

802
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:22,719
that's where I think it's incredible to

803
00:43:22,720 --> 00:43:25,759
learn from kids and how they do the

804
00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:29,280
hardest stuff in life.

805
00:43:39,359 --> 00:43:41,279
I've decided to continue my grief

806
00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:43,838
journey. This time up through Indonesia

807
00:43:43,839 --> 00:43:48,479
to the Taja people in the highlands of Sulawasi.

808
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:50,399
Having come from a charismatic Christian

809
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,199
church in my early years, I wanted to

810
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,199
understand how other cultures deal with

811
00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:57,199
the grief I felt.

812
00:43:57,200 --> 00:43:59,279
I was however not prepared for the

813
00:43:59,280 --> 00:44:03,039
traditions of these Christians in Rantipeo Taja.

814
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:06,239
>> So in Taja there are two main uh

815
00:44:06,240 --> 00:44:09,759
Christian Gera to Raja and

816
00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:12,239
uh Catholic and we have like now some

817
00:44:12,240 --> 00:44:15,199
like Pentecost. Yeah. But Ponteosta it

818
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:18,399
is called as a Protestant here but here

819
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:22,559
mostly Gera to Gera toa

820
00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:25,279
church. Even every day you must be

821
00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:27,439
talking something to the dead like say

822
00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:31,279
hello how are you there like that here

823
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:33,679
and where the family want to going to

824
00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:35,519
outside for example they want to go into

825
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:38,639
the wedding or to the funeral ceremony

826
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:41,039
not to all family going you must be one

827
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:43,999
family stay here with them yeah to keep them company

828
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:46,318
>> yeah sometime we sleeping also together

829
00:44:46,319 --> 00:44:49,439
here like in my family I sleeping with

830
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:51,999
my grandma grandpa around 5 years

831
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:55,118
sleeping together like Yeah, we're sleeping here.

832
00:44:55,119 --> 00:44:57,759
>> We never appreate to the dead body.

833
00:44:57,760 --> 00:44:58,479
>> No. Yeah.

834
00:44:58,480 --> 00:44:59,759
>> So there's no fear.

835
00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:00,879
>> No fear. >> Yeah.

836
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:03,919
>> Because that not really dead. >> Yeah.

837
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:06,239
>> Still sick. Yeah. Yeah. The family

838
00:45:06,240 --> 00:45:09,279
sometime offering the preparing the

839
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:11,759
cigarette for the day because the son

840
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:14,479
very like to smoke it.

841
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:16,479
Sometime also they preparing the like

842
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:18,399
coffee. Cup of hot coffee.

843
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:21,039
>> Coffee. Yeah. And the food also. Yeah.

844
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:24,879
in the morning uh midday in the noon and

845
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:27,679
in the night what you eat in the house

846
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:30,239
you must be give also to them. Yeah.

847
00:45:30,240 --> 00:45:32,239
They can jealous to you if you don't

848
00:45:32,240 --> 00:45:34,719
share them uh some food to them. Yeah.

849
00:45:34,720 --> 00:45:38,559
>> And so when will this mother and son be

850
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:42,318
able to go to the paradise?

851
00:45:42,319 --> 00:45:44,318
>> Ah they're waiting until the family

852
00:45:44,319 --> 00:45:46,078
already doing the processing the

853
00:45:46,079 --> 00:45:51,118
ceremony funeral. Yeah. Yeah. Here

854
00:45:51,119 --> 00:45:53,919
in Retapo Taraja, they live with their

855
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:57,039
dead loved ones who are only, as they

856
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:59,118
put it, just a little bit sick until

857
00:45:59,119 --> 00:46:01,118
they can afford to hold a massive and

858
00:46:01,119 --> 00:46:03,919
very expensive ceremony where 24 buffalo

859
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:06,159
is slaughtered where the villagers are

860
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:08,559
all fed and the buffalo then get to

861
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:11,358
transport the dead to paradise. And all

862
00:46:11,359 --> 00:46:16,159
this after a good Christian church service.

863
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:19,999
Christians, but nothing like Christian

864
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:24,639
rituals that I've ever seen. But here, my

865
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:26,799
grief, my feelings of grief, and my

866
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:28,239
feelings of mourning have all but

867
00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:30,879
disappeared. It's just seems to be the

868
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,759
natural order of the universe, the

869
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:36,318
natural way of life.

870
00:46:36,319 --> 00:46:39,999
And I'm um quite happy to be here. I'm

871
00:46:40,000 --> 00:46:42,479
quite happy to feel it all. And I'm

872
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:44,399
quite happy not to feel it all. not the

873
00:46:44,400 --> 00:46:46,639
feelings that I've been feeling anyway.

874
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,318
So, this journey that I've been on, this

875
00:46:48,319 --> 00:46:50,959
journey that I'm continuing on is

876
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:54,479
actually um following something, but

877
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:56,959
that something seems to be turning in on

878
00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:02,159
me and changing me as I as I walk around

879
00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:04,799
this strange world. I've got a young

880
00:47:04,800 --> 00:47:07,199
woman in our church tomorrow who's at

881
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:09,118
the funeral of a 19-year-old young man

882
00:47:09,119 --> 00:47:10,959
who committed suicide.

883
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,358
um she's the only person of faith in

884
00:47:13,359 --> 00:47:15,039
that family and friendship group and

885
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:19,039
they're all asking him where is he what's happened

886
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:22,159
and um and uh I was actually chat I was

887
00:47:22,160 --> 00:47:23,759
just checking in with her yesterday to

888
00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:25,279
say how are you going with that because

889
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:27,679
of the just the emotional toll on her in

890
00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:30,239
that holding that space

891
00:47:30,240 --> 00:47:34,559
and um and she said to them um she said

892
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:38,318
no one knows exactly what um transacts

893
00:47:38,319 --> 00:47:41,679
between a person and God in those final

894
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:43,519
moments. And I think that's honest. I

895
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:45,439
think that's true.

896
00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:48,399
If I if for me personally, if I come to

897
00:47:48,400 --> 00:47:52,239
that notion about um uh you know where

898
00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:55,679
people go after they die, uh Jesus was

899
00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:58,719
Jesus spoke more about both well hell

900
00:47:58,720 --> 00:48:02,318
and heaven than um any other religious

901
00:48:02,319 --> 00:48:04,479
figure that I know of.

902
00:48:04,480 --> 00:48:08,239
So he certainly um had a sense of being

903
00:48:08,240 --> 00:48:09,759
that there's an exclusive place that

904
00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:10,719
there is a hell.

905
00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:12,719
>> When I did support groups, one of the

906
00:48:12,720 --> 00:48:15,519
rules there was that nobody could ever

907
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,559
say anything about God's will because

908
00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:20,719
the last thing that somebody right don't

909
00:48:20,720 --> 00:48:23,838
tell me it's God's will. Excuse me.

910
00:48:23,839 --> 00:48:25,838
Don't tell me they're in a better place.

911
00:48:25,839 --> 00:48:28,719
Excuse me. you know, so I find, you

912
00:48:28,720 --> 00:48:30,799
know, there are certain things that it's

913
00:48:30,800 --> 00:48:34,479
just not worth arguing people with people about. >> Yeah.

914
00:48:34,480 --> 00:48:37,039
>> But I do think that it's important that

915
00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:39,279
we protect ourselves

916
00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:42,879
against the invasion of other people's

917
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:45,759
beliefs. If they try to push them on us,

918
00:48:45,760 --> 00:48:47,279
you know, that's where we just have to

919
00:48:47,280 --> 00:48:49,838
say, I understand that that's your

920
00:48:49,839 --> 00:48:54,488
belief. I don't share that belief. [music]

921
00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:10,558
Dear Anne, I'm exhausted. So, I've come

922
00:49:10,559 --> 00:49:12,879
to Ireland not to question why you had

923
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:17,279
to die, but to find out who I am now. We

924
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:21,838
were a wei for 52 years. Now, I'm a me.

925
00:49:21,839 --> 00:49:23,439
But when I try to find out who that

926
00:49:23,440 --> 00:49:27,358
person is, he doesn't exist anymore.

927
00:49:27,359 --> 00:49:29,279
As you know, I never met my Irish

928
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:32,399
father. I never even kept my own name,

929
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:34,879
G. Wayne McCarthy.

930
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:36,799
I've come to County Cork to Mil Street

931
00:49:36,800 --> 00:49:41,960
to find out where my grandparents might be buried.

932
00:49:42,559 --> 00:49:44,479
Although I've just lost my beautiful

933
00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:47,439
wife 14 months ago and my son 2 and a

934
00:49:47,440 --> 00:49:49,838
half years ago,

935
00:49:49,839 --> 00:49:53,759
I feel I feel connected. I feel strongly

936
00:49:53,760 --> 00:49:56,239
connected and I feel that I'm ready to

937
00:49:56,240 --> 00:49:58,719
move on. I've been traveling the world

938
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:02,558
making this documentary about grief

939
00:50:02,559 --> 00:50:04,879
and I've encountered a lot of grief and

940
00:50:04,880 --> 00:50:07,598
especially growing up as a child. the

941
00:50:07,599 --> 00:50:09,679
grief of being

942
00:50:09,680 --> 00:50:12,959
from Ireland, from a father that I never

943
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:15,439
met, but I'm here and I feel that I've

944
00:50:15,440 --> 00:50:19,118
met my grandparents and I feel good about that

945
00:50:19,119 --> 00:50:21,358
because I loved him

946
00:50:21,359 --> 00:50:24,239
and I wanted my whole life to have a

947
00:50:24,240 --> 00:50:26,959
relationship with him that I couldn't

948
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:32,078
have because my mother was abusive

949
00:50:32,079 --> 00:50:36,239
and she kept me from him.

950
00:50:36,240 --> 00:50:39,999
So, it was only when he got dementia

951
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:43,358
and she didn't want him anymore

952
00:50:43,359 --> 00:50:45,999
that I got to take him.

953
00:50:46,000 --> 00:50:47,919
But I had the most wonderful years with

954
00:50:47,920 --> 00:50:53,838
him. Um, I had bad times, yeah, but more

955
00:50:53,839 --> 00:50:59,595
more good times than not. Um, and [music]

956
00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:03,358
I cherish those years. I just I just

957
00:51:03,359 --> 00:51:05,999
cherish them and now they're gone.

958
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,639
you know, I I I did things I never

959
00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:10,318
thought I'd do. I know this is going to

960
00:51:10,319 --> 00:51:11,838
sound silly, [music] but I would always

961
00:51:11,839 --> 00:51:13,919
be shy. I wouldn't sing or anything, you

962
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:16,558
know, and he'd love the Dubliners, the

963
00:51:16,559 --> 00:51:20,078
Irish music, you know, and I remember

964
00:51:20,079 --> 00:51:22,479
I'd be sitting every day on soo and

965
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:24,479
there's this one video he liked. So, we

966
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:26,639
put it on a loop. So, it was 16 hours of

967
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:29,999
this one video and I'd come to this one

968
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:32,719
song and he'd hold my hand and he'd want

969
00:51:32,720 --> 00:51:35,919
me to sing with him. And at first I was

970
00:51:35,920 --> 00:51:39,279
so reluctant, you know, but then I did

971
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:41,759
and I was so glad I did, you know, and

972
00:51:41,760 --> 00:51:44,558
in fact it was was probably the first

973
00:51:44,559 --> 00:51:49,375
time I held my father's hand. [music]

974
00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:02,479
as dangerous as it is driving down the

975
00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:06,639
highway towards the hallway.

976
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:08,719
But this is what happens when it just

977
00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:12,159
hits you out of the blue. There's

978
00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:14,799
that doesn't send an invitation. Doesn't

979
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:18,359
give you an alert.

980
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:26,318
And it's a time that I somehow knew had to have.

981
00:52:26,319 --> 00:52:30,799
I has to I have to let an go.

982
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:34,639
I had to let my D life go. Wherever she

983
00:52:34,640 --> 00:52:39,160
is, I know she be on the dudes.

984
00:52:40,079 --> 00:52:43,759
I have a new love in my life. The most

985
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:47,279
beautiful woman and I so powerfully love

986
00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:50,959
her. It's so confusing.

987
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:53,358
When we have known

988
00:52:53,359 --> 00:52:56,399
deeply loving someone,

989
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:58,318
what it actually means is we have

990
00:52:58,319 --> 00:53:02,959
discovered the capacity for love in ourselves.

991
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:05,199
And although usually when we're young,

992
00:53:05,200 --> 00:53:08,558
we think it is because of that person,

993
00:53:08,559 --> 00:53:11,039
it turns out we are connecting with a

994
00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:17,279
universal human capacity for love.

995
00:53:17,280 --> 00:53:20,239
Many of us discover there is a way to

996
00:53:20,240 --> 00:53:24,479
experience that capacity that isn't only

997
00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:27,279
related to that specific person being in

998
00:53:27,280 --> 00:53:30,639
the room. Some people find that they

999
00:53:30,640 --> 00:53:33,519
develop a love of nature. Some people

1000
00:53:33,520 --> 00:53:37,439
find they discover a love of God, a very

1001
00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:40,558
spiritual feeling. And other people find

1002
00:53:40,559 --> 00:53:42,959
that they discover love for a living

1003
00:53:42,960 --> 00:53:47,279
human being. And it means that that capacity

1004
00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:50,879
that has been informed and taught and

1005
00:53:50,880 --> 00:53:54,239
shared with this person who's died has

1006
00:53:54,240 --> 00:53:57,039
stayed with you and you have the

1007
00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,919
capacity now to pass that to another

1008
00:53:59,920 --> 00:54:02,719
person in this world and what a

1009
00:54:02,720 --> 00:54:06,078
tremendous gift to do so.

1010
00:54:06,079 --> 00:54:09,039
I think that feelings of confusion and

1011
00:54:09,040 --> 00:54:12,959
guilt that arise for people is when we

1012
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:17,519
believe that we are somehow

1013
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:20,879
narrow creatures. uh as though we don't

1014
00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:24,719
have long lives and as though um our

1015
00:54:24,720 --> 00:54:28,318
experiences is is

1016
00:54:28,319 --> 00:54:30,558
sort of selfishly just for us and this

1017
00:54:30,559 --> 00:54:34,318
one person rather than love is something

1018
00:54:34,319 --> 00:54:36,719
that lives in the world and we get to

1019
00:54:36,720 --> 00:54:40,239
dip into that stream over and over

1020
00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:43,199
again. And as long as we are honoring

1021
00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:46,318
the relationship that was, meaning that

1022
00:54:46,319 --> 00:54:48,799
we're not trying to push away feelings

1023
00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:51,439
of grief by experiencing feelings of

1024
00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:54,399
love, we usually find that it's a pretty

1025
00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:56,639
mentally healthy place to be.

1026
00:54:56,640 --> 00:54:58,719
>> We need to look for people of good heart

1027
00:54:58,720 --> 00:55:01,999
who are not threatened by the fact that

1028
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:05,598
we have loved before. Um and we have to

1029
00:55:05,599 --> 00:55:07,999
do it at a time that we're open enough

1030
00:55:08,000 --> 00:55:10,879
to the uniqueness of who they are that

1031
00:55:10,880 --> 00:55:12,879
we don't simply see them as a surrogate

1032
00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:16,799
or stand in or uh someone who you know

1033
00:55:16,800 --> 00:55:19,358
whom that will be unmatched. And uh

1034
00:55:19,359 --> 00:55:22,318
we're not going to find a um someone

1035
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:24,558
whose shape and form is just like that

1036
00:55:24,559 --> 00:55:25,919
of the other. They're going to bring

1037
00:55:25,920 --> 00:55:27,919
forward their own humanity and

1038
00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:33,000
personhood. And we need to be ready to embrace that.

1039
00:55:34,240 --> 00:55:36,558
I set out with this film with with the

1040
00:55:36,559 --> 00:55:38,239
hope that I could make something that

1041
00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:42,078
would help other people um other people

1042
00:55:42,079 --> 00:55:44,719
that have lost loved ones, other people

1043
00:55:44,720 --> 00:55:46,719
that are in the process of losing loved

1044
00:55:46,720 --> 00:55:48,719
ones. I was going to say

1045
00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:52,798
>> and uh in the process I found that hy

1046
00:55:52,799 --> 00:55:55,999
was the one that needed changing and I

1047
00:55:56,000 --> 00:56:00,318
have changed and miraculously

1048
00:56:00,319 --> 00:56:03,199
>> few weeks ago I met somebody else. I

1049
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:05,919
thought that my life was over. I thought

1050
00:56:05,920 --> 00:56:11,279
that I had a once in a-lifetime love

1051
00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:13,199
and I did but it wasn't once in a

1052
00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:15,199
lifetime. and I've met somebody else

1053
00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:17,519
that I've fallen madly in love with and

1054
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:20,239
they've fallen in love with me and I

1055
00:56:20,240 --> 00:56:22,318
don't understand that I wasn't looking

1056
00:56:22,319 --> 00:56:25,358
for anyone. I wasn't pursuing anything.

1057
00:56:25,359 --> 00:56:29,358
I was about making this film and being

1058
00:56:29,359 --> 00:56:31,838
dedicated to this film

1059
00:56:31,839 --> 00:56:37,118
and the universe decided that I needed to find

1060
00:56:37,119 --> 00:56:40,798
this love, this person

1061
00:56:40,799 --> 00:56:43,838
and um here I am. I feel like I am the

1062
00:56:43,839 --> 00:56:46,399
the face of Janus. I am simultaneously

1063
00:56:46,400 --> 00:56:48,879
looking back backwards and looking

1064
00:56:48,880 --> 00:56:52,798
forwards to the future. simultaneously

1065
00:56:52,799 --> 00:56:55,759
crying and weeping for the loss of my

1066
00:56:55,760 --> 00:56:58,798
loved one of Faran and crying and

1067
00:56:58,799 --> 00:57:05,358
weeping with joy for the newfound love of Katrina

1068
00:57:05,359 --> 00:57:19,499
and um it's very confusing [music]

1069
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:28,399
I've come to England to talk with an

1070
00:57:28,400 --> 00:57:30,879
expert on a bizarre but rapidly growing

1071
00:57:30,880 --> 00:57:33,039
phenomenon where people are digitally

1072
00:57:33,040 --> 00:57:35,358
resurrecting their loved ones to talk

1073
00:57:35,359 --> 00:57:38,318
with them in real time and in some cases

1074
00:57:38,319 --> 00:57:41,118
enter into new relationships with them.

1075
00:57:41,119 --> 00:57:42,959
I've seen people dig up the remains of

1076
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:45,759
their dead, wash the bones, and burn

1077
00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:49,118
them in elaborate ceremonies,

1078
00:57:49,119 --> 00:57:51,199
grinding the bones into paste to release

1079
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:54,399
them into local rivers and seas.

1080
00:57:54,400 --> 00:57:56,318
I've witnessed people sleeping with dead

1081
00:57:56,319 --> 00:57:59,199
relatives, and in some cases for years,

1082
00:57:59,200 --> 00:58:01,679
feeding them, dressing them, and keeping

1083
00:58:01,680 --> 00:58:03,279
them preserved as though they don't see

1084
00:58:03,280 --> 00:58:07,279
them as dead, just a little bit sick.

1085
00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:08,959
I've filmed bodies thrown under a

1086
00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:10,798
mystical local tree to mask the

1087
00:58:10,799 --> 00:58:13,358
decomposition smells. And I've spoken to

1088
00:58:13,359 --> 00:58:15,679
many who daily visit their loved ones,

1089
00:58:15,680 --> 00:58:18,558
placing flowers and offering prayers.

1090
00:58:18,559 --> 00:58:21,598
But the thought of digitally resurrecting them,

1091
00:58:21,599 --> 00:58:23,358
>> talking and chatting as though they

1092
00:58:23,359 --> 00:58:25,679
still exist is something I'm still

1093
00:58:25,680 --> 00:58:27,439
coming to terms with. At the current

1094
00:58:27,440 --> 00:58:32,159
state of technology, we can have a conversation,

1095
00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:35,358
a normal conversation with a deceased

1096
00:58:35,359 --> 00:58:37,919
loved one resurrected in this way. Uh

1097
00:58:37,920 --> 00:58:40,159
and it works like this that if you want

1098
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:43,759
to create such such an avatar, you need

1099
00:58:43,760 --> 00:58:46,798
to grant access to your personal data to

1100
00:58:46,799 --> 00:58:49,279
a commercial company and this company

1101
00:58:49,280 --> 00:58:52,078
collect all of your uh digital

1102
00:58:52,079 --> 00:58:55,679
footprints and based on this this uh the

1103
00:58:55,680 --> 00:59:00,719
simulation is um is built. Um obviously

1104
00:59:00,720 --> 00:59:02,959
it's not your deceased loved one. It's

1105
00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:05,039
just a representation. It's just the

1106
00:59:05,040 --> 00:59:08,239
image. it's just the simulation. But AI

1107
00:59:08,240 --> 00:59:11,838
is very good in impersonating and in

1108
00:59:11,839 --> 00:59:14,479
creating the illusion that this person

1109
00:59:14,480 --> 00:59:16,719
is still alive, that you can have a

1110
00:59:16,720 --> 00:59:20,558
conversation with this person. Um, so

1111
00:59:20,559 --> 00:59:24,239
the situation of being in conversation

1112
00:59:24,240 --> 00:59:26,719
with your stimulated deceased loved one

1113
00:59:26,720 --> 00:59:31,279
is immersive, engaging, is interactive.

1114
00:59:31,280 --> 00:59:35,039
So we we are in the moment when the

1115
00:59:35,040 --> 00:59:38,159
conversation with our loved deceased

1116
00:59:38,160 --> 00:59:41,118
loved ones is a form of two-way

1117
00:59:41,119 --> 00:59:45,799
communication not a one-way communication.

1118
00:59:55,599 --> 00:59:58,558
Dear Anne, well, I've arrived in Baroni,

1119
00:59:58,559 --> 01:00:02,239
India, the death gateway of the world.

1120
01:00:02,240 --> 01:00:04,239
We spent our lives influenced by the

1121
01:00:04,240 --> 01:00:06,719
notion of an afterlife. We talked about

1122
01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:09,838
it often. What would happen to you, to

1123
01:00:09,839 --> 01:00:13,519
me, to Sam, to Jonathan. You told me I

1124
01:00:13,520 --> 01:00:15,439
should find someone else when you died.

1125
01:00:15,440 --> 01:00:18,479
You even had suggestions, names. We

1126
01:00:18,480 --> 01:00:22,479
laughed. You always the pragmatist.

1127
01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:24,879
But here, death is not hidden. It's not

1128
01:00:24,880 --> 01:00:27,519
whispered. It's everywhere. And somehow

1129
01:00:27,520 --> 01:01:17,599
it's not terrifying. It's normal. Give a

1130
01:01:26,160 --> 01:01:29,039
If anybody die in Vanasi,

1131
01:01:29,040 --> 01:01:32,239
they will directly escort it their soul

1132
01:01:32,240 --> 01:01:34,879
with Lord Shiva to the heaven. From

1133
01:01:34,880 --> 01:01:39,439
there we are free of cycle of life. Moh

1134
01:01:39,440 --> 01:01:41,439
means that's end of the life. Now why do

1135
01:01:41,440 --> 01:01:44,879
people say why do you want the much

1136
01:01:44,880 --> 01:01:47,519
right you you're from Australia right

1137
01:01:47,520 --> 01:01:50,639
you come to visit India you like India

1138
01:01:50,640 --> 01:01:52,959
very good you love India everything is

1139
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,118
fine but at the end what do you like to

1140
01:01:55,119 --> 01:01:57,598
do you want to go back you want to go

1141
01:01:57,599 --> 01:02:00,479
back to your home so we are here on

1142
01:02:00,480 --> 01:02:04,318
earth our soul is a guest here we are a

1143
01:02:04,319 --> 01:02:08,159
visitor at the end our soul want to go

1144
01:02:08,160 --> 01:02:10,318
back to their home which is heaven

1145
01:02:10,319 --> 01:02:13,759
Nirvana. So we are here. Why? Why we

1146
01:02:13,760 --> 01:02:16,078
want to be not coming back? Because we

1147
01:02:16,079 --> 01:02:18,639
keep coming back and think we don't pay

1148
01:02:18,640 --> 01:02:20,798
for the karma that we have done in our

1149
01:02:20,799 --> 01:02:22,639
previous life. So we can keep coming

1150
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:25,199
back. So to break this people want to

1151
01:02:25,200 --> 01:02:29,039
cremate their body here or they die here

1152
01:02:29,040 --> 01:02:31,598
or they do death anniversary which is in

1153
01:02:31,599 --> 01:02:34,318
Hindi we call pindadan. We do that death

1154
01:02:34,319 --> 01:02:36,719
anniversary when the ashes of the body.

1155
01:02:36,720 --> 01:02:38,719
So there's not only people that they

1156
01:02:38,720 --> 01:02:41,999
bring the bodies or the ashes to cremate

1157
01:02:42,000 --> 01:02:45,039
the body. You can see a living people

1158
01:02:45,040 --> 01:02:47,279
who are close to the end of their age

1159
01:02:47,280 --> 01:02:50,318
and they feel like my time is have come

1160
01:02:50,319 --> 01:02:52,879
and I want to have a free time. I want

1161
01:02:52,880 --> 01:02:54,798
to live my life the way I want at the

1162
01:02:54,799 --> 01:02:57,598
end of my life. So there's a places we

1163
01:02:57,599 --> 01:03:00,798
call them a hospice houses. Why do we do

1164
01:03:00,799 --> 01:03:04,318
it in open? It's to make you realize

1165
01:03:04,319 --> 01:03:07,279
before die we all say my money my my

1166
01:03:07,280 --> 01:03:10,318
house my karma life my my my my but when

1167
01:03:10,319 --> 01:03:14,239
you die what it is that you can carry

1168
01:03:14,240 --> 01:03:17,038
nothing except one thing it's called

1169
01:03:17,039 --> 01:03:23,038
karma because vanasi is a place to leave drop

1170
01:03:23,039 --> 01:03:24,959
you can't even devote here the

1171
01:03:24,960 --> 01:03:27,598
shivalingum in vanasi they normally

1172
01:03:27,599 --> 01:03:29,279
offer lots of thing but Shiva did not

1173
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:30,798
demand all those things you can offer

1174
01:03:30,799 --> 01:03:33,199
him a little from Ganga and there's a

1175
01:03:33,200 --> 01:03:35,838
leaf called bilpatra he's pretty happy

1176
01:03:35,839 --> 01:03:38,719
in this we do it to an open to make and

1177
01:03:38,720 --> 01:03:40,959
see other people

1178
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:43,919
still you have time to spend that time

1179
01:03:43,920 --> 01:03:46,639
that you fight or you hate each other

1180
01:03:46,640 --> 01:03:48,558
instead of that you love with each other

1181
01:03:48,559 --> 01:03:51,598
and live peacefully love the humanity

1182
01:03:51,599 --> 01:03:54,719
love the humans and don't hate it

1183
01:03:54,720 --> 01:03:57,759
because you always complain of riding

1184
01:03:57,760 --> 01:04:00,078
living sleeping this is where you're

1185
01:04:00,079 --> 01:04:05,319
going to sleep right on the word with the fire.

1186
01:04:05,839 --> 01:04:07,759
>> I didn't find it confronting. I didn't

1187
01:04:07,760 --> 01:04:09,759
find it um triggering at all until

1188
01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:12,239
afterwards. And then I really did break

1189
01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:14,239
down because it wasn't so much what I

1190
01:04:14,240 --> 01:04:16,879
saw. It wasn't so much what these people

1191
01:04:16,880 --> 01:04:19,118
were doing, but it was just the thought

1192
01:04:19,119 --> 01:04:22,399
of an and what's happened to me and

1193
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:24,798
relating this to what I've just

1194
01:04:24,799 --> 01:04:27,519
witnessed here. Um I think it's been a

1195
01:04:27,520 --> 01:04:29,519
good thing. I think I've better

1196
01:04:29,520 --> 01:04:31,838
understand the cycle of life. I better

1197
01:04:31,839 --> 01:04:34,399
understand what I've heard when I've

1198
01:04:34,400 --> 01:04:38,719
come to um these um countries outside of

1199
01:04:38,720 --> 01:04:42,558
Australia. Um I spread the ashes of Anne

1200
01:04:42,559 --> 01:04:45,759
and my son and Anne's mother together

1201
01:04:45,760 --> 01:04:48,239
three generations into the waters of the

1202
01:04:48,240 --> 01:04:50,719
South Island of New Zealand down on the

1203
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,199
west coast. And um that was confronting

1204
01:04:53,200 --> 01:04:56,159
and that really ripped me apart.

1205
01:04:56,160 --> 01:04:58,159
But here there's something there's

1206
01:04:58,160 --> 01:04:59,598
something different. There's something

1207
01:04:59,599 --> 01:05:04,479
much it's real. It's somehow so real um

1208
01:05:04,480 --> 01:05:09,118
and in your face. And yeah, I'm I'm now

1209
01:05:09,119 --> 01:05:12,798
thinking about how peaceful I feel. Um I

1210
01:05:12,799 --> 01:05:15,519
think I am I know I am ready to move on.

1211
01:05:15,520 --> 01:05:18,479
I've let Anne go. I certainly know that

1212
01:05:18,480 --> 01:05:22,078
she's not coming back. And um I remain

1213
01:05:22,079 --> 01:05:25,439
so. And um I'm glad I came to what is

1214
01:05:25,440 --> 01:05:32,239
known as the death gateway of the world, Baronasi, India.

1215
01:05:32,240 --> 01:05:34,078
>> The night she passed away, she couldn't

1216
01:05:34,079 --> 01:05:35,759
even drink. She couldn't even hold down

1217
01:05:35,760 --> 01:05:38,558
water and she was she would drink a sip

1218
01:05:38,559 --> 01:05:41,999
of water and and throw up black gunk.

1219
01:05:42,000 --> 01:05:44,879
That was the end. She knew she I mean

1220
01:05:44,880 --> 01:05:46,959
she she'd been a nurse and she'd seen

1221
01:05:46,960 --> 01:05:50,479
people pass away with cancer. She

1222
01:05:50,480 --> 01:05:53,199
>> she so she knew and she just said, "I

1223
01:05:53,200 --> 01:05:54,798
don't want to go to hospital." And but

1224
01:05:54,799 --> 01:05:56,639
that night I just said, "Darling,

1225
01:05:56,640 --> 01:05:58,078
darling, I'm going to call the

1226
01:05:58,079 --> 01:05:59,679
ambulance. You can't go on with this."

1227
01:05:59,680 --> 01:06:02,078
And she just for the first time and

1228
01:06:02,079 --> 01:06:03,519
well, no, not for the first time in her

1229
01:06:03,520 --> 01:06:05,118
life, but she did bite my head off. And

1230
01:06:05,119 --> 01:06:06,879
she said, "I'm not [ __ ] going to

1231
01:06:06,880 --> 01:06:09,519
hospital. You know, if I die, I die here

1232
01:06:09,520 --> 01:06:13,598
in my bed with you." And so, um,

1233
01:06:13,599 --> 01:06:15,358
you know, I mean, I'll be very frank.

1234
01:06:15,359 --> 01:06:19,838
the the the they sent her home from um

1235
01:06:19,839 --> 01:06:22,159
Peter Mac with with with two bottles of

1236
01:06:22,160 --> 01:06:25,439
morphine basically then and they said

1237
01:06:25,440 --> 01:06:28,239
there's nothing we can do. So basically

1238
01:06:28,240 --> 01:06:30,639
and just said you know how hard can it

1239
01:06:30,640 --> 01:06:32,959
be? I'll just take this and this will be

1240
01:06:32,960 --> 01:06:38,159
my last night. She announced as a good producer does

1241
01:06:38,160 --> 01:06:40,078
she you know she just said I'm not going

1242
01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:41,999
to I'm not going to hospital. What are

1243
01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:43,199
they going to do? You know what they're

1244
01:06:43,200 --> 01:06:44,879
going to do Wayne? They're going to give

1245
01:06:44,880 --> 01:06:46,959
me some morphine and drag it out for

1246
01:06:46,960 --> 01:06:49,519
another four days or five days. I'm not

1247
01:06:49,520 --> 01:06:51,279
doing it. [snorts] So

1248
01:06:51,280 --> 01:06:53,439
>> So was that always her was her wish

1249
01:06:53,440 --> 01:06:55,519
always to die at home?

1250
01:06:55,520 --> 01:06:58,159
>> Yeah. Yeah. She wouldn't have a bar of

1251
01:06:58,160 --> 01:07:00,798
going to hospital. She often talked

1252
01:07:00,799 --> 01:07:02,879
about that. She said hospitals are no

1253
01:07:02,880 --> 01:07:04,639
place to pass away.

1254
01:07:04,640 --> 01:07:06,479
>> So she wanted to pass away at home and

1255
01:07:06,480 --> 01:07:09,519
she did and she went to sleep and I just

1256
01:07:09,520 --> 01:07:11,358
said darling she couldn't keep down

1257
01:07:11,359 --> 01:07:12,639
water. So I said, "How you going to keep

1258
01:07:12,640 --> 01:07:16,159
down that stuff?" And she said, "I can

1259
01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:19,838
do this." And she did it. And then I

1260
01:07:19,839 --> 01:07:21,519
stayed at the foot of a bed and wandered

1261
01:07:21,520 --> 01:07:23,838
around. She drifted off to sleep. And

1262
01:07:23,839 --> 01:07:25,358
suddenly she woke up and she looked at

1263
01:07:25,359 --> 01:07:28,639
Sam and I and she said, "Oh, okay guys,

1264
01:07:28,640 --> 01:07:30,959
I think I've got this.

1265
01:07:30,960 --> 01:07:33,598
I love you, Sam." And then she went to

1266
01:07:33,599 --> 01:07:36,078
sleep. And then that was it. And I lay

1267
01:07:36,079 --> 01:07:39,199
in bed with her that night for about 10

1268
01:07:39,200 --> 01:07:42,959
hours. Sam lay across the foot of the

1269
01:07:42,960 --> 01:07:45,118
bed. I lay in bed with my darling wife

1270
01:07:45,119 --> 01:07:48,399
and he slowly

1271
01:07:48,400 --> 01:07:51,038
breathing got as you do go through all

1272
01:07:51,039 --> 01:07:52,639
that stuff and she just slowly passed

1273
01:07:52,640 --> 01:07:57,439
away and at 6:38 the next morning as the

1274
01:07:57,440 --> 01:08:00,959
sun came up through the window she

1275
01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:02,558
passed away and she just didn't breathe

1276
01:08:02,559 --> 01:08:06,639
again and it was just it was

1277
01:08:06,640 --> 01:08:09,118
it wasn't dramatic. It wasn't anything

1278
01:08:09,119 --> 01:08:12,239
you know but I also because she had told

1279
01:08:12,240 --> 01:08:16,158
me about the fact that people can still

1280
01:08:16,159 --> 01:08:18,959
hear they believe for some time after

1281
01:08:18,960 --> 01:08:21,838
they pass away. So the first thing I did

1282
01:08:21,839 --> 01:08:23,838
first thing I did when when I when she

1283
01:08:23,839 --> 01:08:28,639
stopped breathing and she didn't breathe in again

1284
01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:30,718
I just started praying for her and I

1285
01:08:30,719 --> 01:08:35,519
just said darling please go. Please just

1286
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:39,758
we're fine. we're going to be okay.

1287
01:08:39,759 --> 01:08:41,678
You need to go now to where you need to

1288
01:08:41,679 --> 01:08:44,559
go and you do not do not for a minute

1289
01:08:44,560 --> 01:08:49,198
worry about us, you know. And I just I kept talking.

1290
01:08:49,199 --> 01:08:51,278
I felt real I felt that's what I needed

1291
01:08:51,279 --> 01:08:53,838
to do to to tell her do not hang around

1292
01:08:53,839 --> 01:08:56,718
here. Do not worry about us. We're fine.

1293
01:08:56,719 --> 01:08:58,959
We're going to be fine. We're men. We're

1294
01:08:58,960 --> 01:09:02,318
good. Um we're not good. Well, we are

1295
01:09:02,319 --> 01:09:04,639
men, but we're not good. But I wanted

1296
01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:06,798
her to know that she could she could she

1297
01:09:06,799 --> 01:09:10,079
could fly. I told her to fly. Go fly. Go

1298
01:09:10,080 --> 01:09:12,959
fly. And I felt really good about that.

1299
01:09:12,960 --> 01:09:14,879
And I've never felt in that house. I

1300
01:09:14,880 --> 01:09:16,559
sleep in the same bed. Now I sleep on

1301
01:09:16,560 --> 01:09:19,119
the same side where she passed away. And

1302
01:09:19,120 --> 01:09:21,919
I never feel any

1303
01:09:21,920 --> 01:09:24,718
feeling hanging around worrying about

1304
01:09:24,719 --> 01:09:29,838
us. I feel that I gave her complete,

1305
01:09:29,839 --> 01:09:31,999
not that I've got any say in it, but I

1306
01:09:32,000 --> 01:09:34,639
just felt that she she knew time to go.

1307
01:09:34,640 --> 01:10:01,928
Time to go. [music] Having

1308
01:10:02,640 --> 01:10:05,759
watched my beautiful wife pass away in

1309
01:10:05,760 --> 01:10:10,399
my bed next to me some 14 months ago and

1310
01:10:10,400 --> 01:10:13,759
having spread her ashes in the waters of

1311
01:10:13,760 --> 01:10:15,599
the west coast of New Zealand where she

1312
01:10:15,600 --> 01:10:18,718
grew up in the South island and having

1313
01:10:18,719 --> 01:10:20,479
decided that I would make a film that

1314
01:10:20,480 --> 01:10:22,238
could help other people. I'm here at the

1315
01:10:22,239 --> 01:10:24,319
other end of it and I've witnessed so

1316
01:10:24,320 --> 01:10:29,279
many different attitudes, so many

1317
01:10:29,280 --> 01:10:33,439
commentaries about life and death.

1318
01:10:33,440 --> 01:10:35,439
I'm staying at a Buddhist retreat, a

1319
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:38,238
Buddhist temple, and looking at people

1320
01:10:38,239 --> 01:10:41,599
that um they don't see there's an

1321
01:10:41,600 --> 01:10:48,238
afterlife. They just see that life finishes and um

1322
01:10:48,239 --> 01:10:51,519
the purpose or the or what we need to be

1323
01:10:51,520 --> 01:10:53,599
doing if we can in life is to get rid of

1324
01:10:53,600 --> 01:10:56,959
the ego and just accept the isness I

1325
01:10:56,960 --> 01:11:01,279
guess of life. It just is what it is.

1326
01:11:01,280 --> 01:11:04,238
What I found is life ends

1327
01:11:04,239 --> 01:11:10,718
except except does it. I've I've I have a real deep

1328
01:11:10,719 --> 01:11:13,359
feeling and connection to the spiritual

1329
01:11:13,360 --> 01:11:18,718
to the other world I guess to the spiritual

1330
01:11:18,719 --> 01:11:21,039
nature of being human. So I don't know

1331
01:11:21,040 --> 01:11:23,839
that we go somewhere maybe we always are

1332
01:11:23,840 --> 01:11:28,360
somewhere and just the body falls away.

1333
01:11:29,199 --> 01:11:32,959
I don't have a lot of um

1334
01:11:32,960 --> 01:11:35,599
answers because I'm I'm I'm not asking a

1335
01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:48,694
lot of questions anymore. [music]

1336
01:11:51,280 --> 01:11:54,158
When Anne died, I so wanted [music] to

1337
01:11:54,159 --> 01:11:56,718
follow her, to be done with this

1338
01:11:56,719 --> 01:12:01,999
torturous silence, aloneeness, this grief.

1339
01:12:02,000 --> 01:12:03,759
But a [music] still small voice deep

1340
01:12:03,760 --> 01:12:07,279
inside urged me to remain

1341
01:12:07,280 --> 01:12:11,039
to grieve a life lost. Yeah. But also to

1342
01:12:11,040 --> 01:12:13,919
honor a life lived.

1343
01:12:13,920 --> 01:12:16,718
And the greatest honor I've found is to

1344
01:12:16,719 --> 01:12:19,519
allow the love we once shared to [music]

1345
01:12:19,520 --> 01:12:22,718
flow out to others.

1346
01:12:22,719 --> 01:12:25,198
Love, it seems, has a message and a

1347
01:12:25,199 --> 01:14:03,626
universal power beyond all comprehension. >> [music]